


gave the football team mono

by fauxframe



Series: professional dicks [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Humanstuck, M/M, dick's last resort, human!AU, professional dicks, waiters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-08-19 21:45:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16542860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauxframe/pseuds/fauxframe
Summary: There exists a restaurant chain called Dick's Last Resort, where the waiters are purposefully rude to you. That is a concept endlessly fascinating to me.When Sollux realizes his parents are starting to get kinda suspicious about where he's pulling in extra cash, he realizes he needs to get a low-key job to cover up his hacking funds. The only place that will take a lisping, insulting beanpole is Dickhead Dualscar's, a beachside restaurant based on rude service. Problem is, his co-workers may be even ruder than him, and his boss' son in particular has a scathing, better-than-you way of delivering insults both on and off the job that makes Sollux want to lock him in the walk-in freezer. It's the fall of senior year, and by Christmas, Sollux vows that either he'll find a new job or strangle Eridan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've actually never been to Dick's Last Resort, and based on my brother's rough description I wouldn't like it, but I still find the concept hilarious. This is not representative of the actual restaurant in any way.

“I just want cash, you know? Gas money. Games money. Some job that won’t make me want to kill myself after doing eight hours of it.”  
  
Aradia nodded to herself, scanning the ads in the paper and pinned to the school bulletin board as Sollux sat against the base of it, flicking through online postings.   
  
“Community theater tech?”  
  
“I hate hearing idiots sing.”  
  
“Math tutor?”  
  
“I couldn’t pretend I didn’t think they were braindead.”  
  
“Um. Nanny?”  
  
“Children are my least favorite adults, except for parents.” At that last retort, Aradia fell silent. Sollux took it as confirmation he would never find a job he didn’t hate. Hacking was getting him by fine, for now, but his parents were really starting to get on him about to be 18 year old about finding a job and applying for college and all that.   
  
“‘Asshole who can manage to keep a tray upright? Do your friends complain that you’re the biggest dickhead they’ve ever met? Has every previous manager complained about your lack of customer service skills? Want to get paid to insult idiots? Get a job! Dickhead Dualscar’s. Customer service with sarcasm.’” She read off. Sollux reached up, grabbing the flier and googling it.   
  
“It... looks real. Gross food and rude waiters. Dead dove.”  
  
“So... want to go?” He glanced up at her in confusion. “What? This is the perfect job for you. You’re mean. We can go tonight, get dinner, drop off your application.”  
  
“I dunno, AA. A waiter?”  
  
“A waiter who insults people! You’re capable of carrying around food, Sollux. Just pretend it’s a laptop!”  
  
They both glanced up as the bell for lunch ending rang, and when Aradia was turned around, Sollux stuffed the flyer in his pocket. 

* * *

  
He had been staring at it through all of his afternoon classes. If he got it, it seemed like a pretty good deal. Waiting tables couldn’t be that hard, and he was pretty snappy with the insults. He would never have to put up with complaints. Or grin and bear it.

He opened up a new document, slowly googling resume templates and filling it out. A cover letter? He added that too, slowly typing up what Aradia referred to as “Sollux’s Greatest Hits.” His best insults, a note about keeping it very personal rather than stereotypical, and he sent the print job to the library and excused himself to the bathroom. And at the end of the day, when he met up with Aradia, he pulled out the papers and had her look over them as he drove them to the restaurant.

And when they walked in, the hottest guy he had ever seen glanced up from where he was peering at the hostess’ phone over her shoulder. “I got ‘em, Vris.” He smirked viciously at the two of them, pulling a sharpie out of his back jeans pocket and scribbling down on paper hats. He lifted them up, settling one on each of their heads. Sollux glanced over to see “will flash tits for hot topic gift card” on Aradia’s, and she looked up to find “my phobias are deodorant and women” on Sollux’s. He jerked to attention when the waiter started walking off, hurrying after him and finally catching up as he reached a table and tossed down two menus. “I suggest you take the first ten minutes of this meal to thank god a six foot two, buck twenty freak like you managed to land her, and then decide on drinks. I’m going to go share my theories on what sort of bizarre daddy issues inspired you to date this geek and dress like that with the hostess, and I’ll be back for orders.”

He was gone in a second, leaving Sollux and Aradia staring at his retreating back. “Well, that was… totally within your wheelhouse, Sollux. You could do that.”

“He guessed my weight. Within two pounds.” Sollux said, a bit insulted. Part of the issue was that their waiter was drop dead gorgeous, but he hadn’t even gotten a chance to rib him back.

Aradia was glancing at the menu, nodding along as she read it. “I think I’m going to get the Buffalo Ranch sandwich.”

When Eridan returned, Aradia leaned in and politely informed him that she and Sollux weren’t dating. Eridan leaned in and informed her that he would say the exact same thing if he was taking dick from a guy who jerks it to League of Legends stats.

By dessert, Aradia was laughing so much she had to wipe off her mascara and Sollux was fully invested in getting a job there, if only to show up Eridan. Their waiter had that much of a dumbass name, but hadn’t been shy about firing back when Sollux had ribbed him on it. Aradia thought it was funny, pointed out that’s what they came there for, but something about the way Eridan had been fucking _looking_ at him had him seething with rage instead of letting the insults roll off his back. They paid the check, and Aradia asked where they could drop off a resume. Eridan accepted Sollux’s documents and headed into the back.

* * *

 

Two days later, Sollux got a phone call from a man with a rough voice and slight Southern accent. “This Sollux Captor?”

“Uh, who is this?”

“Dualscar. Dickhead Dualscar. I want to schedule an interview with Sollux Captor, now is that you, or does he have a damn secretary?”

Sollux had the fleeting thought that he knew why Dualscar had chosen rudeness as a defining trait of his restaurants. “Uh, ‘scuse me for not wanting to give out my name, address, and social security number to any rando that calls.”

Dualscar laughed. “Alright, kid. Saturday afternoon work for you?”

“Uh huh. What time?”

“Four P.M.”

“I’ll be there.”

“Perfect. I look forward to your interview. Eridan said you were a real hoot.”

 _Eridan_. Sollux scowled. “Did he?”

“Yeah. Said it was the first time a customer ever gave him sass that well thought out and quick. Usually it’s just sputtering retorts or calling him gay.” Dualscar hung up the phone, and Sollux sat back thoughtfully. Maybe Eridan was a normal person when he wasn’t working. That would make sense. The point of his job is to be an asshole. Maybe, when he’s not doing that, he’s just a regular chill dude.

When Sollux parked his 1999 Honda Civic in the space and stepped out to see Eridan cackling at him from the porch, he reconsidered that. Nice to see Eridan looked just as hot in full light, all tight jeans and taut shirt over lean muscles and tanned skin. Sollux had put on a button down with his jeans, and some brat in a t-shirt managed to make him feel like an idiot within seconds.

“What?” He snapped, climbing the stairs as Eridan fell into step next to him, leading him back to the office.

“Nothing, I’m just not sure how your body all fits in that car.” Eridan was a good half foot shorter than him, but for sure more well built. Though it was possible his wavy, voluminous dark hair gave him an extra inch or two. “Dad, Sollux is here!” He hollered when they stepped into the office, and Dualscar looked up.

And now that Sollux saw him, the ‘dad’ was making perfect sense. Dualscar was larger and broader and taller, but Eridan had his dad’s coloring and eyes. Great. Sollux wanted to murder the boss’ son, and he didn’t even have the job yet.

“Sit down, Sollux.” He fought to keep the scowl off his face as Eridan settled down in the chair next to him. “So, you’re a senior in high school?”

“Uh huh.”

“Gas money, spare cash, that kind of thing?”

“Yep.”

“Alright. Well, let’s get into the main event. How it’s going to work is Eridan and I are going to go back into the employee lounge, and we’re going to act as customers, and you’re going to do a trial run. You’ll get to do everything. Write the insults on the hats, take orders, make fun of us. We’ll respond. Sound good?”

He stood up, nodding as Dualscar lead him out. Oh, he was going to go to town on Eridan.

They settled down on their chairs, Eridan shifting his fanny pack to the side so he could sit comfortably, crossing his legs as his father smiled at him.

Sollux took a deep breath, stepped up to the table, and asked, “So, is this like a sugar daddy situation? I gotta say, I hope you’re not giving it all up if he brought you to this shithole.”

Dualscar threw his head back and laughed uproariously, and Eridan looked to be contemplating his knife and where he could put it in Sollux. “No sir, this is my son, Eridan. Say hi, Eridan.”

He wiggled his fingers at Sollux, smiling sarcastically. “Hi.”

“I took the liberty of preparing you guys some hats.” Sollux leaned down, scrawling on the hats, and using slightly more force than necessary to put it on Eridan as Dualscar adjusted his own.

“Big shed. Little tool.” Eridan reported to his father. Dualscar’s eyes flicked up from Eridan’s face to his hat and back down with a sympathetic smile. “Gave the football team mono. Sorry, honey.”

“Big talk for someone with a lisp. You ever got the _kithhing_ disease, Sollux?” Eridan mimicked.

“Nah. I actually got herpes, after eating so much pussy my tongue got paralyzed, and I’ve been lisping ever since. It’s truly tragic.” He smirked at Eridan. “So can I get you guys anything to drink? I assume dad’s going to want to down as much alcohol as will let him stave off the fear that the hat is correct?”

“Unfortunately, I’m driving. But good call. We’ll both have water.”

“Excellent, ordering for both of you. Love a man that can take action.” Sollux nodded. “And do you know what you want to eat yet?”

“I want the buffalo chicken salad, but I want no cabbage or dressing on it.” Eridan said immediately.

“You want all the bad parts of the chicken salad, hold all the good ones?”

“It’s not healthy for you.”

“If you’re concerned about your health, first of all, I wouldn’t let a man who looks like he’s been in every barfight up and down the east coast drive you home, and second of all I sure as hell wouldn’t eat here.” Sollux retorted, scrawling. “And you, man?”

“Seafood bucket.”

“Awesome. The low-rent lobster. Shrimp, catfish, whatever else fell into the fryer. A brave man. Now, see? Here’s a man who has no concept of health whatsoever. I give you ten years, man. I wouldn’t go to a doctor for at least a month if you plan on getting any cholesterol tests done.”

“Well, that was pretty good.” Dualscar announced.

“I’m not done yet. Come on, this cute twink sat with you this whole dinner and you’re not even going to buy him an ice cream?”

“I like him.” Eridan announced, dismissing Sollux with a wave of his hand. “He pushed alcohol and dessert, was sharp.”

Dualscar nodded slowly, looking up at Sollux. “You’re funny, quick witted. Job’s yours.”

And with that, he was following them out the door, back into Dualscar’s office, sitting down and filling out paperwork. Eridan headed back out to continue waiting tables, and Dualscar watched him go. “You did have a bit of a tendency to insult him and less me, but most kids your age have an aversion to insulting adults, you’ll get over it. But Eridan probably would’ve voted no for you if you hadn’t called him cute at the end, and that’s a good lesson. It’s sometimes good to follow up with something like that, soothing the person who’s most upset by the whole thing. If they seem to be getting too fussy, slip in a sly compliment while insulting someone else.”

“He changed his mind because I called him cute?” Sollux asked abruptly.

“A lot of times people will change how they feel based on how that person feels about them. Now, you’ll be shadowing Eridan for a couple days, we’ll send you your schedule ASAP. Here’s Eridan’s number, text him with any questions.”

As Sollux exited the restaurant, he caught Eridan’s eye and was treated with an obvious eyeroll before he cuddled back up to the hostess. “New hire has a lisp, and about two pounds of muscle.” He whispered snidely as Sollux walked past, prompting the girl to cackle delightedly.

That shadowing was going to suck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan's POV. I've realized my style for this is sort of... start in one POV, recap that in the second POV, add more in the second POV, recap & add in first, so on and so forth.

Eridan resurfaced, gasping loudly as he slid onto his bodyboard and laid out, taking a moment to get his breath back. Damn waves. Weren’t big enough to surf except for a scant few weeks, so he spent his time prone and up close and personal with the water. Unfortunately, that meant he pretty frequently ended up in it. With a groan, he swam himself into shore, heading for the outdoor showers before he chucked his board in the trunk and climbed onto a towel laid over the driver’s seat. He smoothly shifted into reverse, twisted around in the seat. He caught the eye of another body boarder checking out his car and winked before shifting up and taking off. A MINI Cooper convertible in gray. A sixteenth birthday present from his father, and one that he simply _adored_. Everything from the cute beep when he took his seatbelt off to the fact that drivers were constantly stunned to see someone in such a small car pulling bold, bullshit ass moves and cutting people off like it was his job.

Eridan laid on the horn, swerving into the other lane without using his blinker and taking the turn into Dickhead Dualscar’s at twenty jarring miles an hour. He parked, clicked the lock after reluctantly raising the top, and headed inside, to his dad’s office.

“Danny? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be headed to school?”

Lord knows why Dualscar had named him Eridan if he wasn’t going to even call him Eridan, but whatever. “I need your signature.”

“Boss or father?”

“Father. They’re just those bee ess contracts they give out that say I promise to behave and not burn down the gym or whatever.” He dumped his bag on the chair, pulling out the forms and sliding them over to his father.

“Hmmm…” He flicked through, signing them and passing them back. “You’re working this afternoon, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Could you stay late? Roxy has an AA meeting, and I assume if I demanded she skip it to tend bar, I’d be sabotaging the whole recovery process, and I’d rather not experience step nine again.”

“Even if it was legal for me to tend bar, I’m going to be busy killing myself, because I’m dead meat if I don’t study.”

“You won’t be tending, Meenah’s going to do that, and you’re going to take over as server.”

“I have to _study_.” He whined, zipping his bag up forcefully. “I have a test on Friday.”

“It’s the beginning of school, and if you do this, I’ll give you Wednesday off.”

“I want Saturday.”

“Too bad. You get Wednesday. And scram, you’re going to be late for school.”

Eridan deliberated, shrugging and pulling on his bag. A few extra hours of work weren’t bad, and at least he’d have a night off before the test… “Alright, deal. Bye dad.” He leaned over the desk to accept a kiss on the head and headed out with a smile and no rush whatsoever.

He wasn’t going to be late. Not at the speed he planned to go.

* * *

Well, that had been complete bullshit.

Eridan stomped out of his class with a scowl on his face, wading through a sea of blue plaid. Though it did ease his wrath slightly to see his classmates scrambling to get out of his way before they got pushed out, he was not pleased.

Pop quiz. On the first full week of class. On a Monday. Trellinhim was playing a dangerous game. The last teacher to forget that St. Nicholas’ Preparatory School would let in any dangerous delinquent whose parents could pay the outrageous fees had ended up locked in the very gym that Eridan had just signed promising he wouldn’t burn down. He supposed the tradition that, in lieu of a senior prank, each graduating class had tried to scare off a teacher via the threat of extreme bodily harm would continue on even if every teacher became meek overnight. Then again, SNP wasn’t in the business of hiring pushovers to corral their students. It was possible they saw the students attempting to kill them as a point of pride.

Eridan was interrupted from his daydreaming about how they could try to terrorize Trellinhim by Vriska Serket slapping him on the ass. “God! Go harass someone else, you fucking goblin!” He snapped, even as he wound an arm around her and dragged her toward the parking lot.

“Whatever, section eight. Are you working tonight?”

“Yeah. Until closing, because my father hates me. You have Trellinhim first thing in the morning, why didn’t you tell me he had a pop quiz?”

“First of all, I skipped. Even if I hadn’t, what do you care? You don’t even need to graduate, your dad’s just going to give you the restaurant.”

“I would like to not be a complete failure, and at least have a high school diploma.” He paused. “Plus, my dad’s totally going to take my car if I fail out.”

They came to a stop in front of his car, Vriska staring down at it. “You do not have the personality for this car.”

“Fuck off, I love my car! It’s so fast.”

“It’s so… small. I always pictured you in, like, a SUV.”

They separated, each climbing into their own cars and heading to work. Just to prove a point, Eridan beat her to the restaurant, parked, and managed to slip inside just as she and her Jeep were turning into the lot. MINI Cooper vs Jeep was not a new game they were playing, but it was one she was losing.

Ha. Bitch.

He ran for the employee’s lounge, opening his locker. He clicked on the fanny pack, dumped his keys in the locker, swapped his tie and button down out for a uniform shirt, his slate gray pants for jeans, and switched his dress shoes for sneakers. A pair of flip flops were waiting in his car for when he got off work. Dualscar demanded they wear something approximating a basic uniform, and that meant that while Eridan could wear his favorite jeans that hugged his ass, he still had to wear closed toed shoes and the Dickhead Dualscar’s shirt. And that damn fanny pack. But after wearing trousers, a tie, and button down all day, jeans and a t-shirt were acceptable.

He stepped back and groaned, slamming the locker shut as the song changed. Dual had recently heard Gwen Stefani’s _Sweet Escape_ on the radio and had played the damn song at least ten times a day over the restaurant’s speakers since then. “Dad!” He shouted, over Vriska Serket’s sudden singing as she entered and made a beeline for her locker to strip off her skirt and button down for her leggings and tank top.

If there was any evidence that a song never needed to be played again, it was that Vriska Serket enjoyed singing to it.

“And tell me boy, now wouldn’t that be sweet?” Dualscar crooned along with her as he came into the employee lounge, immediately covering his face and turning away. “Vriska, Eridan, I’ve asked you not to change out in the open lounge like this.”

“We’re not.” Vriska announced immediately, even though she was standing in her underwear, trying to tug her leggings on, and Eridan was still topless. He silently pulled the shirt on and wiggled behind his father to clock in, accepting a kiss on the head.

“Thank you for staying late, honey.”

“No problem, Dual!”

“I was talking to my son, Vriska. You’re not staying late.”

“What she said, Dad. By the way, failed a pop quiz today. What’s that, Meenah?” He called abruptly, rushing out of the room. Dualscar threw his hands up in the air and left the employee lounge, shouting about children and changing in bathrooms and Meenah wasn’t even in yet and what was he even paying for that school for, but when Eridan burst out onto the main floor, the loud chattering drowned him out.

“Excuse me, sir? Could we get some-“ Eridan yanked a handful of napkins from his fanny pack, chucking them at the table without even looking over as he met Vriska at the hostess station.

“Here, Whillister sent the most bullshit passive aggressive email out to all his students, you have to read it. He mentions ‘the old days’ and corporeal punishment not once, not twice, but straight five times in the space of two paragraphs.” He leaned up against her back, peeking up over her shoulder to read the email, only looking up when the boy in front of the station cleared his throat pointedly.

Eridan looked up, ready to tell him off, and stopped cold.

Now, Eridan had what he preferred to describe as “particular taste in men,” which Vriska described as “whacked out crazy taste in men.” Put it plainly, while Eridan could appreciate some gains, and had some lean musculature himself, he preferred the beanpoles. The tall, skinny, wimpy looking geeks who he could take down in twenty seconds and without breaking a sweat. He liked the same thing in girls. Eridan liked taking _care_ of his dates. He liked opening doors and lifting boxes for them. If he could duel to prove his loyalty, he’d take it in a second. Or like, arm wrestle.

And this guy was right up his alley. Easily over six foot, towering over his short date, noodle arms, hunched in on himself. Was that a hint of nervousness, of self-consciousness in that posture? Then what in the world was he doing wearing 3D glasses? A bit of a paradox! Uncomfortable with his body, comfortable with his clothing choices? Eridan wanted him, instantly and passionately, and was quite irritated to see the goth chick standing with him. “I got ‘em, Vris.” He told her, going to do the hats and direct their seating himself. To his own section, specifically.

Eridan spent the rest of the night ruthlessly slamming Sollux for his looks and making fun of Aradia for being out with him. Her informing him that, really, they were basically siblings, was the best news he had heard, ever. So when Aradia mentioned Sollux was looking for a job, he accepted the resume and confirmed he’d deliver it to Dualscar personally. And once the two of them drove off and he got done peeking out a window, he ran back to his father’s office and tried to subtly pretend he wanted Dualscar to hire Sollux for his excellent insults.

And when Eridan closed up with his dad and drove the MINI back home, he was glad his father was driving much slower than him, so he could belt along to the radio and think about Sollux Captor and his acerbic wit.

* * *

Eridan slept in late Saturday, but eventually he got up, made himself brunch, and dragged himself to work. Overall, he was pretty unenthused until his dad leaned in and asked him to make time around four to interview the new candidate. Eridan’s begging had paid off. Sollux had an interview. He stopped getting tables around three thirty and let a slightly more scathing edge touch his insults, shuffling his customers out and dropping into the employee bathroom to check his hair and clothes.

He hoped Sollux wouldn’t notice that these were for sure the same jeans he had on yesterday. And the same t-shirt. Hell.

He headed out to the porch, walking around and looking busy until he caught sight of Sollux in a Honda, way down low as he parked. He turned around and leaned over the railing, laughing his ass off as Sollux stomped up. Eridan obviously didn’t have a problem with small cars, but Sollux really was hunkered down in that thing! He teased him all the way back to Dualscar’s office, settling down and staying silent until they started the main test.

“So, is this like a sugar daddy situation? I gotta say, I hope you’re not giving it all up if he brought you to this shithole.”

Eridan’s eyes went wide, and he started genuinely contemplating his knife. All of a sudden, he didn’t know how they did so much business, because he would not willingly sit through being called a whore in front of his dad. Is that what jumped out most about Eridan? He looked _easy?_ Oh, that shithead. Eridan was brought vaguely out of his rage when his dad prompted him to respond, but mentally, he was just imagining getting up and beating Sollux into the ground. Big talk for someone who looked like he got winded carrying his backpack. When Sollux leaned in and practically slammed the stupid paper hat on Eridan’s head, his dad kicked him under the table. Dualscar had been around the block more than a few times, and could tell when his son was about to lose it.

Eridan dragged his murderous look off of Sollux to report his father’s hat. “Big shed. Little tool.”

Well, that was admittedly funny.

“Gave the football team mono. Sorry, honey.”

Oh, he was going down. If Dualscar gave him the job, Eridan was quitting. Right after he dragged Sollux to the employee bathrooms and gave him a fucking swirly. And he could make sure he didn’t get the job by sabotaging him. This was emotional whiplash like Eridan had never experienced it. “Big talk for someone with a lisp.” Eridan snorted, resorting to the same sort of attacks as last night – calling Sollux ugly. An accusation he knew full well couldn’t be returned. But Sollux popped back immediately, batting away Eridan’s snark through the fake ordering process. Eridan was getting the dull sinking feeling that Sollux was indeed going to get the job.

“This cute twink sat with you this whole dinner and you’re not even going to buy him an ice cream?”

And very suddenly, Eridan remembered why he was so good at his job. At understanding people and their insecurities.

Sollux did like him. How he looked, at the very least. And that was something Eridan could exploit the hell out of. He could enjoy their ribbing, all the while knowing that Sollux had a thing for him, and totally break his heart. So he smirked, leaned forward, and gave his suggestion to Dualscar before slipping out of the lounge and back to the floor. And as Sollux left, Vriska and Eridan laughed at him until the door swung shut and she looked at him in confusion. “I figured you’d be trying to make out with him, you usually go for freaks like that.”

“He’s a dick.”

“So are we?”

“Shut up, we’re not into it. But he’s into me.”

“This evidence or arrogance talking?” Vriska smirked, watching him pull away.

“Evidence. He called me cute. I’m just thinking, work has been awful boring lately, now that Roxy’s in AA and Karkat’s working a different shift.”

“Uh huh.”

“Why not torture the new hire? Obviously dad’s going to make him shadow me, we can totally screw with him.”

“Well…” She tapped her lip, tilting her head to the side. “As long as you’re going to screw with him and not screw him… It’s a deal.”

He grinned and hipchecked her as he passed. “Deal.”

* * *

Monday afternoon, Eridan sat crosslegged on the floor of the lounge, letting Vriska adjust his curls. “Thanks, Vris.”

“Mmm. Would look better if you didn’t get in the ocean every morning before school, and then ride around with the top down constantly like you’re trying to catch pneumonia. You end up with so many tangles.”

He stood up as Sollux entered the room, reaching up to pull off his tie and pausing at the distinctly gleeful expression on the narrow face of their newest hire. “What’s your problem, Call of Duty?”

“You’re an SND?

“What?”

“An SND. You go to Saint Nicholas Prep?”

“It’s SNP, idiot. P, as in preparatory.” Eridan snidely informed him, rolling his eyes and sliding the tie off.

“Sure, the school is SNP. You’re an SND.”

“The hell’s that?” Vriska finally spoke up, dropping her skirt to open her locker and pull on her leggings.

“SND? Saint Nicholas Delinquent.”

Eridan whirled around, shirt already unbuttoned. “That’s what they _call us?”_ He demanded at top volume. “What school? Who does that?”

“Like, every normal school. Eastwood, Central, MSA, everyone.”

“Oh, you fucking scumbags!” Vriska slammed her locker shut hard enough to rattle the whole row. Then opened it and slammed it again.

“Hey, I didn’t come up with it.”

“Why would they call us that? The _d-word!_ ” Eridan wailed, head pressed against his locker, clutching his bare chest. “What, jealous they’re poor and dress like trolls, when we’re all rich and have excellent and cute uniforms? Mad we can park on campus and they have to beg for a parking pass? Are they upset that our food is actually delicious and their pizza probably tastes like ass? Is it because our driver’s ed-“

“I think it’s because for last year’s senior prank you all locked a teacher in the gym and tried to burn it down with them still inside.”

“That wasn’t a senior prank, idiot, we were not joking around.” Vriska snapped, finishing up getting changed and storming out, her fanny pack bouncing against her hip with every step. Eridan wailed again, turning around to drop his forearm against his forehead.

Hm.

The fact that Sollux was subtly checking him out made up for the whole d-word crack. He shrugged and dropped his arm, standing up straight and stripping down to his underwear. He deliberately kept his eyes on his clothes, getting changed and turning around to see Sollux unbothered, aside from the red flush creeping up his neck.

“So, you can pick any locker and you just have to write your name on a little piece of paper and slide it in here so everyone can see it’s taken. You can get a lock for it if you want, but nobody bothers.” He shrugged and glanced down. “You have to wear closed toed shoes and a Dickhead Dualscar’s t-shirt or tank top, and you need a fanny pack, but other than that you’re free to wear what you want.”

“Do we have to buy the shirts?”

“No, they’re in the back room. Come on.” Eridan lead him back, clicking on his own fanny pack. “What size are you? Extra small?” He offered nonchalantly, smirking over his shoulder.

“Ha ha.” Sollux snapped, digging through the options.

Four shirts later, Eridan was starting to see that might actually be the case.

“So, it looks like your options are shirt that fits your shoulders, but is now essentially a crop top, or a shirt you’re literally swimming in, that covers your stomach.” Eridan pitched eventually, giving Sollux a charming smile and adjusting his well-fitted shirt. “I suggest the bigger one. Nobody wants to see your ribcage.” He didn’t bother looking away as Sollux swapped his shirts. “I bet working here will do you some good. Put some meat on your bones. The barbeque wings are a total calorie bomb, and you can put away like a thousand without noticing.”

“Eridan?”

“Mhm?”

“Shut the fuck up.” He brushed past him with a scowl. Eridan grinned. It really was too easy.

“Sollux?”

“What?”

“You forgot the fanny pack.”

He rounded the corner, dangling the bright orange pack from his fingers, and got to watch in real time as Sollux as Sollux tried to buckle it, had to tighten it almost to the very tightest point, and then tug the giant t-shirt out from under it.

“Alright, so for now you can just follow me around, and you’ll get sort of a tour on the way, I suppose.” Eridan headed out, settling at the hostess desk with Vriska. “Vris gets mean if she’s with customers for too long, she sniffs out their deepest insecurities if she can see their reactions for long enough, so she works hostess desk. She usually gives them the hats, since she has an almost supernatural ability to guess insecurities, and takes them to certain sections. You’ll stop by her to get your section, which just means the tables you’re going to wait.”

“You’re in C.”

“We’re in C! So that’s this row of tables. Vriska will run them over here as they come in, trying to keep it even among all the sections. So.” Eridan turned around, stopping him with a hard look. “Wait here. Close enough to hear, not close enough to loom like the freak you are.”

“Eridan, does your dad pay you to maintain this bullshit ass attitude even with non-customers?” Sollux asked shortly, glowering at the back of Eridan’s head as he went for the customers. He obediently listened, but Eridan was greeted with an eyeroll when he got back. “I don’t see what this has to do with anything. I know how to write down orders, I know how to walk from table to table. Shouldn’t I be studying the menu and seeing what kinds of things can be replaced in the dishes and finding out what contains. I dunno. Gluten?”

“And that is why you’re an idiot, and why I’m the smarter one, and, furthermore, why I’m in charge.” Eridan said smartly, turning his pad around so Sollux could see what he wrote.

“You don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that your dad owns the place and you’ve worked here a hot minute?” Sollux asked dryly, grabbing the pad and lifting it above Eridan’s head, squinting at it and holding it out of his reach as Eridan tried to grab it.

Being honest, he did not expect the uppercut that connected to his solar plexus, but after finding out Eridan was a SND, he really should have. He dropped, bending over dramatically, barely registering that Eridan had snatched the pad back as he fought to return the air to his lungs. _“What the fuck?”_ He wheezed out, clutching Eridan’s shoulders for support to stay upright.

“What? You’re the one calling me a delinquent and suddenly you want to pitch a fit over a little roughhousing?”

“You _really_ do not like being called that, do you?”

“You don’t like being called a degenerate, greasy excuse for a nerd, do you?”

“If the shoe fits.”

Eridan maintained eye contact with him for a moment before rolling his eyes and lifting the pad up to explain how the system for recording orders worked, one eye on Sollux. Obviously after the d-word crack he wasn’t at risk of doing what Vriska made him swear he wouldn’t and trying to put the moves on Sollux, but, well, he was still nice to look at. Still tall, still those thin, sharp features. “Why do you wear those stupid looking glasses?”

“Why do _you_ wear _those_ stupid looking glasses?”

Eridan gasped, beyond affronted. “I have to see, idiot. I only wear contacts on special occasions, I’m in the water too often to wear them daily.”

“Great instinct, man. Got any clues what I might do with my glasses?”

Eridan paused, turning around. “You don’t use them to see.”

“Wanna bet?”

“They’re colored, and not prescription. I can tell, because I actually do have glasses to see.”

Sollux sighed, leaning against the edge of an empty booth. “If you absolutely have to know, I’m colorblind. When I was a kid, I realized 3D glasses made the world seem a little bit cooler looking, even though they didn’t actually make it colorful. And I look rad.”

“… That’s absolutely not the case. I need you to be clear on that.” Eridan said firmly, heading back to the kitchens. “So, are you wearing two different colored shoes because you’re colorblind and didn’t notice?”

“Uh, I can tell the difference between black and white, Eridan. I’m wearing them because they’re cool, obviously.”

“Obviously.” Eridan said snottily, sliding the paper up so it was held where the cooks could see it. “Sollux, I think it’s a good thing you’re colorblind.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Why’s that?”

“So you don’t realize what a dipshit idiot you look like.” Eridan smirked at him. “Because if you did, you’d probably be burning your clothes with yourself inside them.”

“Chill it out, firebug. Not everyone has your talent for juvenile delinquency.”

“I’m _not_ a delinquent.” Eridan snarled, getting up in his face. He paused, face softening as he gazed into Sollux’s eyes. It wasn’t immediately obvious because of the glasses, but Eridan was pretty sure his eyes were two different colors. Belatedly, Eridan realized that in his initial fury and subsequent intrigue, he had gotten a little too close to Sollux, their faces inches away as Eridan lifted his chin and Sollux leaned down to threaten him. He coughed and pulled away, avoiding the cook’s eye.

Shit.

She was so going to rat him out to his dad for flirting with the hire.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux's POV.

Sollux was in a foul mood when he came in for his first day of work. School had been unusually grueling with the knowledge that he needed to finish his homework in class, before he had to go to Dualscar’s. Eridan had been exactly zero help, giving vague answers to his questions or refusing to text back at all, insisting on a phone conversation. And during half of those he had been completely incomprehensible. But eventually he had wrestled a time out of him, and he was at Dualscar’s by 3:45.

Of course, Eridan and Vriska had beaten him there. But all his bad day evaporated the second he walked in and saw them. More specifically, their uniforms. He had never seen them when they weren’t working, and suddenly it made perfect sense how they beat him to work, straight from school, how he didn’t even vaguely recognize them even though he was pretty sure they were all seniors.

Goddamn SNDs. That explained the attitudes, everything. Entitled, deranged rich kids whose parents could pay for the equally deranged staff of Saint Nick’s to contain their evil children for seven hours a day where they couldn’t be causing trouble or getting arrested. Sollux had been sure the burning gym and teacher stuck inside would be the breaking point and some of the kids would be arrested, but as the months went on and summer had come and gone, he had been forced to fork over the ten dollars he bet Aradia, and none of them faced any official, legal consequences.

Of course, rumor had it the teachers at SNP could use physical punishment. So maybe there were other consequences.

Sollux took a quick moment to fantasize about some crazy nun just decking Eridan with a ruler when he got a smart mouth, and briefly regretted that if he tried that, Eridan would have no problem knocking his teeth out and setting his car on fire.

He stared at them gleefully, snorting when Eridan demanded to know what his problem was. Honestly, decked out in nice trousers and button downs and plaid skirts and ties and tights, they really didn’t look that threatening. The fact that he could clearly see the outline of a switchblade tucked into the waistband of Vriska’s skirt brought him back down, though. He had no desire to meet the business end of that knife with the delinquent hostess behind it. So when they started getting irritated, he shaped up and told them what the other schools thought of them.

And honestly, they reacted _very_ dramatically for something that was true. A good way to not get called a delinquent was to not burn down gyms, or, the year before, superglue the principal in her office, or, the year before that, cut a teacher’s brake lines, or staging a Carrie-esque riot at the prom that doused the gym teacher in blood, or that year where they had systematically siphoned the gas from every teacher’s car for the last week of classes, or when the kids had all downed ipecac and vomited as a group during their graduation ceremony, or hid coke in a teacher’s desk and then called the cops, or the games the students played that frequently ended in hospital trips, or any of the other things Sollux had heard come out of that school. It was hard to feel jealous of private school kids when the most prominent private school in the area was basically training for juvie.

Yeah, basically. They were around a bunch of other terrible kids, they had to wear uniforms, no free period like most schools, Sollux figured it was just basically alternate juvie.

But damn. Eridan was acting like Sollux had walked in, decked him, and called his mother a skank. Sollux almost wanted to feel bad, but it was hard when Eridan was draped up against the lockers, button down parted to expose his lean chest. Eridan was certainly slender, but on top of that was a solid amount of muscle. Sollux automatically leaned back against the table, surveying Eridan’s body. Dark, dark blue eyes, tanned skin, dark curls. He dropped his eyes over Eridan’s abs, checking out the cut of his hips and the dark curls that started his happy trail. By the time he had worked his way back up to Eridan’s eyes, Eridan was staring at him.

Shit.

Sollux cocked an eyebrow, trying to come across as unimpressed. Quick as a flash, Eridan was apparently done whining about ‘the d word’ and straight up stripping. He choked, twisting his head to the side.

“Why am I looking away?” He muttered to himself, staring firmly at the door to the lounge until Eridan started walking, fully clothed. He knew, on a cerebral level, that Eridan was kind of a bitch, for sure a nutjob, and his boss’ kid. However, he also knew, on a hormonal level, that Eridan was smoking hot.

And the crazy ones were better in bed, right?

He trailed after him as they headed for the stockroom, and Eridan leaned up against the wall.

Shit.

Sollux was going to have to get topless in front of Eridan. Watching Eridan strip had been the highlight of this job experience so far, but he did own a mirror, and he knew he didn’t have Eridan’s lean swimmer’s body and tight abs. He coughed, reaching for the first shirt he found and changing as quick as he could, ears red.

And this one was far too big. He went for a smaller one, eventually deciding on a shirt that was a reasonable length, if not a little loose.

Of course, the fucking fanny pack completed the outfit perfectly. Now he not only looked like someone who had been forced to go dumpster diving for his outfit, but also someone who had been forced to go dumpster diving for his outfit because he had escaped a psych ward. Sollux had the vague thought that it wasn’t fair seeing Eridan in the uniform before he himself had to put it on. God knows why the shirts had clearly been designed for someone with the build of a male model.

He trailed after Eridan, watching the ordering process. While being paid to stand around and watch nothing happen was a pretty good deal, Sollux was well aware of where his talents and weaknesses lay. Writing things down on a little notepad? A skill he developed as a child. A deep knowledge of the Dickhead Dualscar’s menu and questions about allergies? Something he was not sure on! His hesitation to apply for a waiter’s job had initially been based on his lack of menu memorization skills, not his lack of walking from table to table ability.

When Eridan came back with the order, he nabbed the booklet and picked it up. See, he had no idea what “shrimp plz -sqsh” would even begin to mean. He should be studying the menu and the ingredients list. And he opened his mouth to point that out to his prickly guide, only to buckle over Eridan’s arm, Eridan practically keeping him upright as the _goddamn delinquent_ snatched his book back and stuffed it in his fanny pack. He weakly clutched Eridan’s arm as he fought to return the breath to his lungs, deep breathing. Jesus Christ, Eridan had an arm on him, too. Now that he was basically fondling Eridan’s bicep, he didn’t feel so bad about how long he was taking to recover. He tried to focus less on Eridan’s arm and more on the explanation of what Eridan had written. And he was all ready to, once more, point out that while he could copy down abbreviated versions of whatever the patrons instructed him, what was he supposed to do if they had actual questions about allergies or food contents, aside from ‘look at the menu’.

And then Eridan immediately lost any chance of getting with this hunk of left-brained underweight hotness, because he had the sheer audacity to question the _shades_. Honestly, if Eridan couldn’t see the obvious and intrinsic sexiness of the shades, Sollux wanted nothing to do with him.

They bickered into the kitchen so Eridan could put in the order, Sollux looming over him and ragging on him. Honestly, Eridan’s over-the-top reactions made this one of his funniest ever bickering sessions, especially because he was pretty sure Eridan liked yelling at him too much to get him fired.

This hypothesis was accepted when Eridan leaned in, getting up on his toes to lean in close to Sollux. Eridan faltered, eyes going soft as he gazed up at Sollux.

Okay.

Little weird.

Eridan was for sure gay, though. Sollux had no hypotheses for why a straight man would be almost pressed up against his chest, gazing into his eyes after antagonizing him for thirty straight minutes. Sollux opened his mouth to begin operation Put The Moves On The Boss’ Son, before the obvious homoeroticism of the moment sunk through Eridan’s thick skull and made contact with his tiny brain, and Eridan pulled back and near slunk out of the kitchen.

Sollux wouldn’t say he was necessarily disappointed to not be making out with Eridan, who was clearly insane and liable to bite him as soon as kiss him, but if Eridan was going to be leaning up against him and batting his eyelashes and stripping down in front of him and flirting, then it was just polite to follow through with it. He groaned, frowned at the cook who was giving him a sly look, complete with raised eyebrows, and left to follow Eridan.

When he emerged from the kitchen, Eridan was tearing into a family with a crazed look in his eye. Sollux sighed.

This was going to be a long week.

* * *

Sollux had changed his mind. Working alongside Eridan wasn’t much better than shadowing him. Because now he actually had responsibilities, and Eridan could sabotage him.

Lesson one. Eridan knows how to pick pockets.

Sollux had caught the back end of one of Aradia’s Criminal Minds binges once, and learned that criminals who go to jail often come out with more skills than they went in with.

Sollux was forced to assume the same was true for kids who went to SNP. The first time Sollux’s notepad vanished from his fanny pack and he had to beg Eridan for a new one, his embarrassment had abruptly been replaced with rage when he saw Eridan’s smug grin as Eridan chided him for losing it in front of his father.

From then on, he kept the fanny pack to his front and got in the habit of resting a hand on it during working hours. And that worked, for a little bit. Until his phone vanished. He went on break, grabbed a bowl of barbeque wings (As annoying as Eridan was, he was right about those wings. You could eat fifty and still not notice), and went to pull out his phone. He shot up, giving himself a pat down, checking his fanny pack, searching his locker. He knew for a fact his phone had been in his pocket when he checked it in the kitchen during a slow moment, so he groaned and headed back. Maybe he dropped it there.

He brushed by the hostess station, ignoring Vriska and Eridan huddled together. A few steps later, he paused. Vriska and Eridan giggling or whispering about something wasn’t exactly a new development – the other day he had walked in on them taking their break together and animatedly whispering about the plans they had for one of their teachers, and he was still considering calling to warn that poor man – but maybe they knew something. He turned around. “Hey, Eridan. Vriska. You seen my phone?”

Their heads snapped up in perfect unison, eyes alight. “No.” They said together.

Sollux frowned, stepping closer to Eridan and pulling himself up to his full height. “Eridan.” He said, watching Eridan’s eyelids flutter predictably. He waited a moment for Eridan to give in, finish swooning, and return his phone.

Unfortunately, while Sollux had a leg up on ‘ability to make Eridan fantasize about him naked’, Vriska had him beat on ‘knowing when Eridan was about to pull some dumbass shit.’ She yanked Eridan back, stomping on his foot before stepping between them. “Sollux, if you’re accusing us of something, you can just take it up with Dualscar.”

“I’m not accusing you of anything, Vriska. I’m just saying that if Eridan found my phone and brought it to me, I would be willing to not call him a delinquent to his face for… say, a week?” Judging by Eridan’s hurt gasp, that didn’t go over so well.

There was a clattering at his feet, and then a crunch as Vriska stomped on it. “Oops. My b.” She said innocently, turning to the customer that just entered. Sollux retrieved his phone, seething. But after he went through the day furious, giving Eridan the cold shoulder, when he opened his locker he found fifty bucks sitting on his backpack.

Which brought him to lesson number two.

Eridan knows how to pick locks.

Sollux appreciated the cash and all, but this had bad implications about the safety of his shit. He bought a different lock on his way home, and put it on the next day. Apparently, Eridan found that offensive, as when Sollux opened his locker at the end of the following day, his t-shirt was gone. After five minutes of searching, he found it stuffed up the paper towel dispenser.

He stormed out, shirt clutched in hand, coming to a stop when he saw Eridan in his dad’s office, head slumped on his folded arms. Dualscar was standing, reading off a paper.

“Dad, what do I care? I’m waitstaff, I’m not a manager. I have a date, can I go now?” Eridan whined.

Dualscar sighed. “Danny, you know one day this is going to be yours-“

“Spare me the ‘everything the light touches,’ Mufasa, I have a date! I’m going to be late! Don’t you want grandchildren someday?”

“Eridan Kallinikos Ampora, if this date results in me getting a grandchild, you aren’t leaving this office until you’re twenty one.”

_“Dad!”_

“Alright, Casanova. Enjoy your date, honey. I’m busy tonight, so go ahead and give him the ‘cleaning this gun’ speech for me.” Dualscar dropped a kiss on his son’s head, and Eridan shot up and out, colliding with Sollux as he tried to exit.

Sollux blinked down at him, completely forgetting the wrinkled t-shirt he was holding. Eridan was dressed up nicer, hair tousled and gelled to give off an aura of nonchalance, jeans tight enough to highlight his ass, shirt tight enough to show off his biceps.

Sollux looked him up and down and smirked. Eridan drew himself up, lifting his eyebrows and trying to pretend he wasn’t flexing. Sollux opened his mouth, and paused when Dualscar stepped out, blinking up at him and stepping back from Eridan.

Dualscar slowly looked between the two of them and narrowed his eyes slightly. “…” He opened his mouth, then shut it, then nodded and shut the door to his office with a wave to them both.

Eridan glanced over his shoulder, clearly confused, before looking back up at Sollux with a raised eyebrow. Sollux was busy having a sneaking suspicion that Dualscar knew his newest hire and his beloved delinquent son had the hots for one another.

“Uh, get out of my way, beanpole.”

“So, you’re going on a date? Where’s he taking you? Cedar grove?” Sollux smirked, voicing his own personal fantasy of driving Eridan out to the local lover’s lane.

“Where?”

Sollux paused, noting the expression of confusion on Eridan’s face. “Cedar grove? Makeout central? The lover’s lane?”

“… I don’t know what that is.”

“Dude, seriously? Where do you and your flings go?”

“Sollux, I have money. Rich kids don’t make out in friggin’ groves, we have actual land.” He scoffed, pushing past him. “Being poor must be a fucking riot. Having to kiss in the woods. God.”

“You don’t do it in the woods, you- you don’t get out of your car!” He turned on his heel, stalking behind Eridan.

“Rich kids don’t kiss in cars, we have houses.”

“Eridan, are you under the impression I don’t have a house?”

Eridan unlocked his car and climbed into it, glancing up as Sollux started to laugh. “What?”

“You were on my ass about my small car, which is a normal sedan, and you have- this?” He had to leap back, still laughing, when Eridan tore out of the space and drove off into the evening, middle finger held high.

* * *

Sollux got home, took a shower to get the grease of the day off and dispel excess energy with a quick orgasm to thoughts of Eridan, in his car, in Cedar grove. He settled back in his bed, flipping on his game and pulling on his headset. Within a few minutes, he had settled into a comfortable existence of headshots and trash talking. One thing he found was that working at Dualscar’s all day made the trash talking flow a lot easier. He had even used some of Eridan’s more hysterical insults when some freshman had teabagged him, and was starting to admire Eridan’s vitriolic and violent taunts, if nothing else.

An hour or so later, he flipped to a new game, opened it up, and blinked when he heard Eridan’s sneering voice. “No way. SND?”

Not that he cared about Eridan’s privacy or these geeks knowing his name, but on some level he didn’t want anyone else to be able to stalk Eridan’s instagram and jack off to the gratuitous shots of him body boarding or shirtless on the beach.

“Oh my god. What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m trying to play a game, what are you doing? Aren’t you supposed to be on a date right about now?”

“I made him take me home early. He was pissing me off.”

“Let me guess. He tried to drive you to cedar-“

“Shut up!” Eridan snapped, and Sollux cackled. “People don’t do that to me. I mean, they’d like to, obviously, but I’m not, I don’t do that.”

“Yeah, SND, I know. You’re obviously way more high maintenance than a one and done deal.” Sollux coughed and shot Eridan in the back to make up for his moment of semi-affectionate honesty. He waited anxiously for the next comment from Eridan, fidgeting in his bed.

“Yeah. Exactly.” Eridan said softly, and shot a dude who was about to knife Sollux. Sollux settled back, playing with and chatting with Eridan until Eridan signed off and his phone lit up with Eridan’s number. He ended the game and picked it up.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Eridan paused. “So, Dad just came through the gate, and I have to be pretending to be asleep by the time he gets up here to check on me, but you actually aren’t half bad at that game. And that was pretty quick thinking, not using my name.”

“Well, I just figured you didn’t need a pack of emotionally stunted geeks facebook stalking you. You have a pretty unique name. Not too many Eridans in the yellow pages.” Sollux settled back, pulling the blankets up and setting his glasses on the nightstand, Eridan’s voice in his ear as he settled down to sleep. A little earlier than usual, but he was feeling unusually relaxed. “… Sorry your date didn’t go well.”

“It’s fine. He was just… boring. Not a great loss, it didn’t take too much time.”

“Still.” Sollux shut his eyes, just listening to breathing. “I didn’t really think he just tried to put the moves on you. Anyone who meets you has to know you’re not into that.”

“Yeah. Do you usually play?”

“Yeah. I could shoot you a text, next time I’m gonna. You were good. Boost my stats.” Sollux explained, listening to Eridan’s snort.

“Dad just opened the front door. Night, Sollux.”

“Night, Eridan.”

He hung up, plugged his phone in, and settled back into the pillow. He didn’t think Eridan was the type to play video games, but just by sheer skill, he probably played them fairly frequently. Maybe when he didn’t have dates.

Sollux did wonder what made Eridan’s date so bad he had to end it early, though. Eridan didn’t seem like he would end a night of adoration and flirtation early just because he was a little bored, and he didn’t seem like he was genuinely looking forward to playing video games so badly he would cut a date for it, either. Maybe the guy really had tried to grab him or something. Of course, Sollux had no doubt that if Eridan got pissy, he could just punt the guy through the window. Even when Sollux was pulled up to his full height, purposefully not slouching, looming over Eridan and getting practically on top of him, he knew he wasn’t doing it to be intimidating. He was doing it so Eridan would sigh and bat his eyelashes and briefly abstain from insulting him to stare at him.

He knew full well Eridan could drop him the second the thought occurred to him. Eridan may be shorter, but he out-weighed, out-trained, and out-muscle-massed Sollux by leagues.

Sollux was starting to realize a great deal of Eridan’s problem was he acted like he was surrounded by crazy people liable to pull a knife or start blackmailing him. He supposed SNP was just like that, but tonight, once Eridan was away from school and work and was just enjoying a game, he had been a lot calmer and nicer when they talked.

After this time, it truly was possible that Eridan really was, at the very least, no worse of an asshole than Sollux himself, and that going to school with a bunch of delinquent nutcases and then being at work and having to be a raging shithead just brought out the worst in him. He was nice when he was with his dad. And his rudest, cruelest moments had been around Vriska.

And as much as Sollux laid in the dark and reassured himself that it wasn’t his problem if Eridan was nutty or fine or anything in between, he couldn’t help but wonder what Eridan really did act like, truly away from work or school. Insta was a highlight reel, of course, but Eridan did look genuinely free on that board, face up to the sun and smiling.

The next day, Sollux pulled up the picture of the schedule. He and Eridan were both off until noon. He shot off a text, asking if Eridan wanted to play a quick round before they had to start getting ready for work.

Within ten minutes, Eridan had agreed and they were settling down for a game together, trading lighthearted insults with each other and roasting their opponents as they teased them and took them out. Eridan really was skilled at this game, if by virtue of natural excellent hand-eye coordination, even if he didn’t have the cheat codes Sollux did. They won two games together before Eridan insisted he had to start getting ready, laughing at Sollux’s taunts about being high maintenance and signing off. When they met in the parking lot, Eridan waved and Sollux waited for him to get out so they could walk in together.

When Vriska dropped a smart mouthed comment at Sollux, Eridan just rolled his eyes rather than giggling with her. Sollux smirked as he followed Eridan into the back room. Sollux wouldn’t say he was, by any stretch of the imagination, good with people. But something about Eridan was just so easy to understand. He was a pretty big asshole, he wanted people to think he was attractive, and he was horny. He wanted to have fun and mess around. Easy.

* * *

“So, do you like him, or not?” Aradia asked from her spot on Sollux’s bed, watching him spin around in his desk chair.

“I dunno. I’ve been working with him for a while now, we’ve been playing games together for a while now. He’s fun to talk to, he’s hot, but he’s still a nut. Sleeping with him would obviously be awesome, but he doesn’t want to do it without dating, and dating him would be a shitshow.”

“So, no.”

“But I like hanging out with him, and he’s hot. Isn’t that the criteria for a date?”

“Not if you think he’s liable to shank you on the date. Not if he’s your boss’ kid and a breakup could mean losing the one job you’ve hung on to. Not if-“

“Understood! I won’t talk to him.” Sollux grumbled, dropping his head back.

“You drama queen, that doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with him. Just… tell him it’s just hanging out. You can grab lunch and play video games and go to his house, and also not sleep with him.” Aradia explained, very slowly. “Send him a text. Ask if he wants to come over and play video games. Very non romantic, I’m sure he’ll get the picture.”

Sollux nodded slowly and sent the text.

“Very non romantic. Right.”

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the insults were off of instagrams of people at the restaurant.


End file.
